Up Front And Wet At The Philly Book signing
By David Birely

I arrived in Philadelphia at Tower Books on South Street around 9:30 pm Friday night and to my surprise, I was considerably close to the front. I heard the first guy in line got there on Thursday night. When I arrived, I was greeted by Melrose Larry Green and everybody was setting up base camp with tents because of the snow warning that was issued earlier that night. I went solo so all I had was a blanket, a mat, a poncho, and of course two copies of "Miss America". I tried to keep warm anyway possible, so I met up with some guys who were huddled around a kerosene heater that they brought and they were generous enough to let me join them. They were also nice enough to share their beverages which kept the party going on all night. This was going to have to do since I couldn't find any girls to huddle up against yet.

As it got later in the evening all of us were having a fun time talking about Howard and trying to get women who walked by to show us their breasts. One girl did acknowledge us and was swarmed by horny Stern fans with cameras as she lifted up her shirt. I screwed up because I was in the middle of drinking my beer and missed the shot. Anyway, word got around that Howard was staying in Philadelphia that night and it pumped us up even more to know that our King was staying nearby. Uzo finally made an appearance and started hugging and kissing (no tongue) the fans in front of the line, welcoming them to Howard's party. She gave the crowd a big boost of excitement as we braved the cold weather. It was funny because she even burned her ass on our kerosene heater when she stumbled by. I also saw Rubberbaby greeting the fans and signing books. She wasn't that bad looking in person. After awhile, both Uzo and Rubberbaby were finally whisked away by someone who worked for WYSP, so they could change outfits and be ready for Howard's arrival.

I started to crash for a little bit, but was rudely awakened by the long anticipated snow storm that finally hit. It was about 5:00 am and everyone was either in their tents, under blankets, or in their sleeping bags. We still didn't mind the weather because we knew that Howard would be arriving shortly to greet the thousands of his fans that were in line at this point. Howard's arrival at 10:00 am, caused everyone to yell in an uproar and he was led by the two lesbians that were with him on the Jay Leno show. Howard started to sign books right away because he knew we were wet and freezing our asses off.

As I entered the book store I was greeted by two gentleman with metal detectors and was informed that Howard would only be signing one book and that no cameras were allowed. I continued to make my way to the back of the store were Howard was signing "Miss America" and I could start to feel that I was nearing the end of my journey. I had to take off all my bags and only have book in hand before I could walk up to the "King of All Media's" table. Howard was dressed casually and I got a chance to see his blue hair in person, which looked kind of cool. As I was getting my book signed I said a few words to Howard and he was real appreciative for us coming out and braving the weather. I then grabbed my bags said hello to Captain Janks who was hanging out in the store and then I walked out. The ten seconds I was with Howard was totally worth the twelve hour wait and I feel he certainly came through for his fans. The only thing that sucked was I didn't get laid.

Special Thanks To David Birely For Sharing His Philly Experience With Us All.

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