Dateline: December 23, 1997
JOKEMAN & THE FAN
Satire By Dan Wagner
Ring-Ding Dan: Thanks for
seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Freud.
Freud: No problem but make it quick --
the clock's running and I have to eat, I mean meet my mother for lunch.
Why are you here?
Ring-Ding Dan: Guilt! Last December (96)
I went to Jackie Martling's CD signing at the HMV record store in Manhattan.
I'm a big fan.
Freud: Are you a homo? Are you a stalker?
Ring-Ding Dan: That's what Jackie asked
me! Is he one of your patients, too?
Freud: Would you like me to refill your
Ring-Ding Dan: Anyway, I'm
a big fan. I love everyone connected to the show. Jackie was very cordial
to me. He even let me have my photo taken with him.
Freud: Nice photo. I bet that's a rarity.
Would you like me to refill your Phen-Phen prescription? How about a few
Roofies? Maybe a little liposuction?
Ring-Ding Dan:: Jackie asked me what I
did for a living. When I told him, "I'm a photographer". -- he
asked me to send him a few photos of his CD signing for his Webpage -- which
Freud: Where's this leading? You're such
a bore! This is worse than watching a Jacques Tati film festival (inside
joke). From now on, a one-hour session will be 50-minutes long.
Ring-Ding Dan: Doc, can I have a few Valium?
I scanned the photos and e-mailed them to Jackie. A week later he used one
of them on his Webpage. Doc, did you know that some people say that Jackie
is a cheap bastard?
Freud: If I had a penny for every time
a patient said, "F-Jackie", I could buy a new f-ing couch.
Ring-Ding Dan: You could sure use one.
What are these whitish, crusty stains?
Freud: Those? One of my patients -- Celine
Cohen spilled some yogurt the other day.
Ring-Ding Dan: You know Celine?
I'm a big fan of hers, too. She's a real doll. Back to the Jackie saga:
To thank me for sending him the photos, Jackie sent me two large boxes filled
with Jokeland merchandise. Imagine. There I was thinking that Jackie was
cheap -- when in fact he's really quite generous.
Freud: How touching. Are you sure you're
not gay? By the way, don't try to pay my fee with Jackie's nicknacks. The
only thing worse would be getting paid in jokes. So, what's mit da guilt?
Ring-Ding Dan: Well, a year later (97),
Jackie came out with his new book -- "Jackie The Joke Man, Martling's
Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book".
Freud: I read it. That guy's one sick puppy.
In fact, on the basis of Jackie's book I could probably have him committed.
By the way, are you a two-input man?
Ring-Ding Dan: Wait it gets worse. After
buying Jackie's book, I discovered that he had used one of the photos that
I took of him on thirteen pages of his book.
Freud: Did he ask you for permission?
Ring-Ding Dan: No. I didn't even get a
Freud: Oy vey! No wonder you're a mental
patient. You don't need a shrink -- you need a lawyer. Here's my brother
inlaw's card: F.U.C. & K. -- Attorneys at law: Feinberg, Unger, Cohen
and Kaufman. Give him a call. I think you've got a great case.
Ring-Ding Dan: Howard Stern thinks I have
a great case, too. After I saw my photo in Jackie's book, I called the show.
I figured that as long as I wasn't being given credit for my work, I might
as well have a little fun and get an on-air mention. Due to the fact that
Howard Stern enjoys drama, I decided to come-on hot and heavy with the legalese.
It was pretty funny. Jackie was freaking out. Then, when everyone thought
I was going to take him to the cleaners, I offered to settle the case if
Jackie would eat a marshmallow from my butt. After all, what's good for
the fan (Marshmallow Mike) is good for the Jokeman -- right? Howard and
the gang, with the exception of Jackie loved my suggestion. Eventually,
marshmallows evolved into Ring-Dings -- hence my nickname -- "Ring-Ding
Dan". By the way, Jackie never ate a Ring-Ding from my butt (not that
I really wanted him to).
Freud: Hmm. For someone who says he's not
gay, you sure are fixated on butts. So, where does the guilt fit in?
Ring-Ding Dan: I
feel guilty for giving Jackie such a hard time. After all, he used my photos
by accident, and he was kind enough to send me two boxes of his Jokeland
merchandise. He really is a sweety.
Freud: Here's my diagnosis. One: You're
too sensitive. Two: You should get a life. Three: When I prescribe meds
-- take them. Four: I know what you need to cheer you up. Let's go to Scores
and get a few lap dances. Did I ever tell you that my mother was a lesbian,
and that my dad wore women's undies?
Ring-Ding Dan: It's always sexual with
you, isn't it, Doc?
Freud: Stop projecting. My mother told
me I would regret going into this line of work. Any more stupid questions?
Ring-Ding Dan: Just one. Doc, would it
be wrong to apply for that WXRK Associate Producer/Writer job listed in
the "Help Wanted" section of The New York Times? I'd love to work
for Howard. If you added photography to the job description I could be a
"triple-threat". Besides which, it would be funny telling people
that I worked under Bababooey.
Freud: You sick, delusional, bastard! Ring-Ding
Dan, you never know when to quit -- do you?
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©1997 The K.O.A.M.
Newsletter. All Rights Reserved.
All photos and words © Dan Wagner 1997