Dateline: February 28, 1997
Inside The "Private Parts"
Since most of you either saw MTV's or E! TV's expanded
coverage of the "Private Parts" premiere and the post-party on
TV, I thought I'd share with you some of the night's mirth and wack from
my inside point of view.
My Private Parts premiere odyssey began here in New Jersey with Captain
Janks and the limo ride into New York City. One $130 bottle of Cristal champagne
and some hits off a skunky joint later, we arrived at the Theater At The
Garden on 31st street in Manhattan. The street was blocked off to all local
traffic except for limos coming to the event. As we headed down 31st street,
Janks stuck his head out of the moon roof and the crowds that lined the
street began to cheer for him. When the limo pulled up to the red carpet,
we got out and joined the growing VIP crowd that was awaiting Howard's arrival.
Always the crowd pleaser, Uzo was there getting the bleacher crowd's
attention dressed in white hot pants and tube top and then by making out
Melrose Larry Green was wandering around holding his now-famous Howard Stern
signs up to the crowd while they responded in kind with "Melrose sucks!".
When the moment of Howard's arrival in his Pope Mobile came, the crowd swelled
at the street to greet him.
After Porno For Pyros played, our little group, which had grown due
to Big Black, Elephant Boy and Crackhead Bob's arrival, decided to go inside
to check out the seating and to see what else was going on. During our stroll
on the red carpet, fans screamed out for Fred the Elephant Boy and Crackhead
Bob to stop so they could take pictures of them. Inside we met up with Vinnie
Mazzeo Jr, the guy who lit his penis on fire in the US Open Sores video
and his friend, Nick Clemens, son of Clarence Clemens.
As movie time approached, we all gathered in the theater for some pre-show
networking. In a six row section of the theater sat myself, Captain Janks,
Elephant Boy and his girlfriend Mary, Crackhead Bob and his sister, Hank
the angry drunken dwarf, Nicole Bass and her husband, Mary And Joey Buttafuoco,
Kennedy from MTV, Marilyn Manson, Perry Farrell, Dave Navarro, Big Black,
Rubberbaby and her husband, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his date, and Quentin
the Stutterer. Everyone was kissing and hugging and networking. It was truly
a Stern show lovefest. Fans were coming up Crackhead Bob, Elephant Boy and
Nicole Bass with cell phones asking if they'd say hello to the person on
the other end of the phone. Sherman Hemsley from 'The Jeffersons" was
there in full force. As he toured the theater with his entourage, fans would
run up to him and greet him with, "Hey Weasie", to which he smiled
and slapped you, I mean them, five. When Eddie Murphy entered the theater,
the fans in that section began chanting "Eddie! Eddie!". Same
when Howard's father entered, except they chanted, "Shut Up! Sit Down!".
Once the movie started the mixed crowd of stars and fans finally settled
down with an occasional "F Penelope" or a large round of applause
when Howard, Robin, Fred, Jackie and even Mary McCormack finally made their
respective first appearances on the large silver screen.
After the movie, the after party was held upstairs in the Mezzanine
where all the bars and clubs were located. At least a thousand people filled
the various rooms. Celebrities and fans alike all swarmed the buffet tables
and open bars to get primed for the night that was still to come. Camera
crews chased celebrities for that all-important sound bite or interview.
Seated at our table was a very hungry Elephant Boy, who had chunks of food fall out of his
mouth as he moaned in hunger while gnawing on his buttered roll. Fred, you're
a friend, but the truth is the truth. Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his new
girlfriend from Penn State sat down at our table and had a few beers together.
On the other side of the Mezzanine, Howard and the gang were meeting
and talking with celebrity guests and various co-stars from the movie for
a taping of the radio show which aired on Friday. Some of the guests included:
John Stamos, Corey Feldman, Jenna Jameson, Joan Rivers, Carol Alt, Marilyn
Manson, Billy Corgan, John Popper, Jerry Cantrell, Tom Arnold, Daniel Baldwin,
Bobby Boriello (Howard age 7) and Conan O'Brien, to name a few.
a back corner sat a man who, to Captain Janks, looked like actor Paul Giamatti
who played Pig Vomit in the movie (Pig Virus in reality). He approached
the man and told him that he liked his work in the film and then walked
away. A few minutes later, the man came up to him and said angrily, "You think I'm
him?... You think I'm Pig Vomit? Well I'm not!" That man as it turns
out was actor Jeremy Piven, who co-stars on ABC TV's "Ellen" as
her cousin Spence. In all honesty, he does resemble Paul Giamatti without
a beard and mustache. Ask E! TV's Todd Newton who was interviewing guests
during the post-party show on E! and mistook Piven for Giamatti as well.
Piven's reaction was pretty much the same for Newton except he kept on smiling
for the camera regardless of how thick the tension was getting because of
the mix up.
File this under: What you don't know can't
hurt you, I guess!
On our way out that night we passed by a security guard who, from
what we could tell, was in his glory because he had the attention of two
somewhat attractive tall thin women. After a longer harder look, I realized
that he was preoccupied with two Stern show transvestites, Dana and Junky.
I wanted to yell, "She's a he and he's got a dick!" to the unknowing
guard but I decided against it. I figure what he doesn't know, won't hurt
him. It's not like they were going to have sex with him, I guess.
Having been to seven birthday shows, three Stern show funerals, the
US Open Sores, the Libertarian convention in Albany, the only private screening
of Butt Bongo and now this, I must honestly say that this was the best Stern
show event I've ever been to.
All hype aside. Go see the movie when it opens up on Friday, March 7.
It's as good as everyone says it is. Enough said...
©1997 The K.O.A.M.
Newsletter. All Rights Reserved.
Video Scans Courtesy of E! TV.