Dateline: February 28, 1997

Inside The "Private Parts" Premiere!

VIP PassSince most of you either saw MTV's or E! TV's expanded coverage of the "Private Parts" premiere and the post-party on TV, I thought I'd share with you some of the night's mirth and wack from my inside point of view.

My Private Parts premiere odyssey began here in New Jersey with Captain Janks and the limo ride into New York City. One $130 bottle of Cristal champagne and some hits off a skunky joint later, we arrived at the Theater At The Garden on 31st street in Manhattan. The street was blocked off to all local traffic except for limos coming to the event. As we headed down 31st street, Janks stuck his head out of the moon roof and the crowds that lined the street began to cheer for him. When the limo pulled up to the red carpet, we got out and joined the growing VIP crowd that was awaiting Howard's arrival.

Always the crowd pleaser, Uzo was there getting the bleacher crowd's attention dressed in white hot pants and tube top and then by making out with Pope MobileRubberbaby. Melrose Larry Green was wandering around holding his now-famous Howard Stern signs up to the crowd while they responded in kind with "Melrose sucks!". When the moment of Howard's arrival in his Pope Mobile came, the crowd swelled at the street to greet him.

After Porno For Pyros played, our little group, which had grown due to Big Black, Elephant Boy and Crackhead Bob's arrival, decided to go inside to check out the seating and to see what else was going on. During our stroll on the red carpet, fans screamed out for Fred the Elephant Boy and Crackhead Bob to stop so they could take pictures of them. Inside we met up with Vinnie Mazzeo Jr, the guy who lit his penis on fire in the US Open Sores video and his friend, Nick Clemens, son of Clarence Clemens.

As movie time approached, we all gathered in the theater for some pre-show networking. In a six row section of the theater sat myself, Captain Janks, Elephant Boy and his girlfriend Mary, Crackhead Bob and his sister, Hank the angry drunken dwarf, Nicole Bass and her husband, Mary And Joey Buttafuoco, Kennedy from MTV, Marilyn Manson, Perry Farrell, Dave Navarro, Big Black, Rubberbaby and her husband, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his date, and Quentin the Stutterer. Everyone was kissing and hugging and networking. It was truly a Stern show lovefest. Fans were coming up Crackhead Bob, Elephant Boy and Nicole Bass with cell phones asking if they'd say hello to the person on the other end of the phone. Sherman Hemsley from 'The Jeffersons" was there in full force. As he toured the theater with his entourage, fans would run up to him and greet him with, "Hey Weasie", to which he smiled and slapped you, I mean them, five. When Eddie Murphy entered the theater, the fans in that section began chanting "Eddie! Eddie!". Same when Howard's father entered, except they chanted, "Shut Up! Sit Down!".

Once the movie started the mixed crowd of stars and fans finally settled down with an occasional "F Penelope" or a large round of applause when Howard, Robin, Fred, Jackie and even Mary McCormack finally made their respective first appearances on the large silver screen.

Mary McCormack Robin Gary

After the movie, the after party was held upstairs in the Mezzanine where all the bars and clubs were located. At least a thousand people filled the various rooms. Celebrities and fans alike all swarmed the buffet tables and open bars to get primed for the night that was still to come. Camera crews chased celebrities for that all-important sound bite or interview. Seated at our table was a very hungry Elephant Boy, who had chunks of Howardfood fall out of his mouth as he moaned in hunger while gnawing on his buttered roll. Fred, you're a friend, but the truth is the truth. Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his new girlfriend from Penn State sat down at our table and had a few beers together.

On the other side of the Mezzanine, Howard and the gang were meeting and talking with celebrity guests and various co-stars from the movie for a taping of the radio show which aired on Friday. Some of the guests included: John Stamos, Corey Feldman, Jenna Jameson, Joan Rivers, Carol Alt, Marilyn Manson, Billy Corgan, John Popper, Jerry Cantrell, Tom Arnold, Daniel Baldwin, Bobby Boriello (Howard age 7) and Conan O'Brien, to name a few.

Paul GiamattiIn a back corner sat a man who, to Captain Janks, looked like actor Paul Giamatti who played Pig Vomit in the movie (Pig Virus in reality). He approached the man and told him that he liked his work in the film and then walked away. A few minutes later, the man came up to him and Jeremy Pivensaid angrily, "You think I'm him?... You think I'm Pig Vomit? Well I'm not!" That man as it turns out was actor Jeremy Piven, who co-stars on ABC TV's "Ellen" as her cousin Spence. In all honesty, he does resemble Paul Giamatti without a beard and mustache. Ask E! TV's Todd Newton who was interviewing guests during the post-party show on E! and mistook Piven for Giamatti as well. Piven's reaction was pretty much the same for Newton except he kept on smiling for the camera regardless of how thick the tension was getting because of the mix up.

File this under: What you don't know can't hurt you, I guess!
Dana & Junky
On our way out that night we passed by a security guard who, from what we could tell, was in his glory because he had the attention of two somewhat attractive tall thin women. After a longer harder look, I realized that he was preoccupied with two Stern show transvestites, Dana and Junky. I wanted to yell, "She's a he and he's got a dick!" to the unknowing guard but I decided against it. I figure what he doesn't know, won't hurt him. It's not like they were going to have sex with him, I guess.

Having been to seven birthday shows, three Stern show funerals, the US Open Sores, the Libertarian convention in Albany, the only private screening of Butt Bongo and now this, I must honestly say that this was the best Stern show event I've ever been to.

All hype aside. Go see the movie when it opens up on Friday, March 7. It's as good as everyone says it is. Enough said...

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©1997 The K.O.A.M. Newsletter. All Rights Reserved.
Video Scans Courtesy of E! TV.